I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
