For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize