i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
