they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
