oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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