oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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