i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
