rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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