I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
