I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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