I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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