I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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