sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
