I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize