just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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