I hate your face
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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