You're my little dorito
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
