i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
