if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
