sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
