saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
