I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
