My sheets look like a crime scene.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
