its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
