I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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