____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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