when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
