If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize