im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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