Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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