If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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