Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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