Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
