i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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