I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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