she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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