my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
