Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
