Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize