God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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