I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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