just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
