"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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