Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
