it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
