I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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