god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
