I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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