I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
