her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
