so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
