don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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