And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
