He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
