he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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