If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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