I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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