Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
